I A N   J O K E S 
. . . . . .

In Bed | Perspective | Poker PlayerWHAT DUCK?

. . . . .  

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. 
You go up to her and say, ``I'm fantastic in bed.'' 
That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. 
One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, ``He's fantastic in bed.'' 
That's Advertising.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. 
She walks up to you and says, ``I hear you're fantastic in bed.'' 
That's Brand Recognition.


P O K E R   P L A Y E R 

Two couples were playing cards one evening. John accidentally dropped some
cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he
noticed that Bill's wife's legs were wide apart, and she wasn't wearing any
underwear! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his
head on the table & emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife
followed & asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
Surprised by her boldness, John admitted that, well, indeed he did. She
said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial situation as well as
the moral costs of this offer, John says that he is indeed interested.

She tells him that since her husband, Bill, works Friday afternoons & John
doesn't, that John should be at her house around 2pm Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house for the planned
time at 2pm sharp & after paying her the agreed upon $500, they went to the
bedroom & completed their sexual transaction as Sue had promised.

Afterwards, John quickly dressed & left. As usual, Bill came home from work
at 6pm & upon entering the house, asks his wife abruptly, "Did John come by
the house this afternoon?"

With a lump in her throat, Bill's wife answered, "Why yes, he did stop by
for a few minutes this afternoon". Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her
husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?".

In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out, & after mustering up

her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500".

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,
"Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning & borrowed
$500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his
way home & pay me back."



A   M A T T E R   O F    P E R S P E C T I V E


He was in an odd mood when I got to the pub, I thought it might have been
because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it. The
conversation was quite slow, going so I thought we should go off somewhere
more intimate so we could talk more privately.

We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to
cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I
asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure.

So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his house, I said that I loved him
and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant
because you know he doesn't say it back or anything.

We finally got back to his place and I was wondering if he was going to dump
me! So I tried to ask him about it but he just switched on the TV.
Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to sleep. Then after about 10 minutes,
he joined me and we had sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so
afterwards I just wanted to leave but instead I just cried myself to sleep.

I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's
met someone else???


Wallabies lost.  Tired.  Bit Pissed.  Got a root though.




An ambitious engineer finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. Until the boat sank. The man found himself on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies... nothing. Only bananas coconuts and a duck.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She replied, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you." "Oh, this?" replied the woman. "I made the row boat out of raw material I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, but, that's impossible," stutters the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On The south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place, " she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks on to shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call It home. Sit down please; would you
like to have a drink?"

"No, no thank you," says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in The cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a Hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines-strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenias.

She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, Something you've been longing for all these months? You know..."

She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing "You mean...?", he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes, "I can check my e-mail from here?".




 Stuart Hill 





© 2000 Zulenet